Visitation refusal is simply refusing to abide by the current custody plan that is in place. This is sometimes differentiated in court as to who is doing the refusal: the custodial parent or the child. It is important that any visitation refusal is done by the child and not by the parent for several reasons. First, the child is actually not a litigant in the ongoing custody battle and as such, the judge has limited discretion to punish the child. Don't get me wrong, several children have been sent to jail by rouge family court judges. However, first the judge has to get you in custody which is often easier said then done.
The most important reason that visitation refual must be done by you, rather than your custodial parent, is because the judge will try to crucify your custodial parent given the choice. The judge does not care aboout you or your family. They are likely handling 10-15 custody cases per day, and they couldn't pick you out of a line up. However, they think they known everything and have a lot of disdain for any litigant that appears to be violating their orders. They will send custodial parents to jail if they think they are not abiding by the rules. It's called contempt of court, and judges throw it around like a spoiled toddler who is not getting their way. The idea that they could be wrong has never once crossed their minds. But it might, if you make that big of a stink out of it.
The ideal visitation refusal occurs at a school. Your non custodial parent is supposed to pick you up when school is out, but you decide not to be there. Your custodial parent is generally in the clear here, they delivered you to school. They "facilitated" visitation. You just decided not to show at the appropriate time and place. Go do what you want. If called on the carpet about the matter, feign ignorance. Tell your non custodial parent, you forgot. Look, if they want to treat you like a kid, then act that way. The other option is to lie. Tell your custodial parent that the other parent didn't show up. Tell them you waited there and no one ever came. Bonus points if you post it on Facebook or tweet that your non custodial parent didn't show. You need to create as much evidence as possible that the current custody visitation is not working. So do what you have to do.
If you don't go with the parent understand that there may be consequences. Especially for your custodial parent. She may be more concerned about not pissing off the judge than about caring for you. Don't be too hard on her though. She would love to do what is best for you, she just has been beaten down by the system. If you think your custodial parent may send you back with your non-custodial parent when you come back home, try to stay out as long as possible. No one wants to be dealing with all this stuff late at night. If you can, sneak back in your room and make everyone deal with it in the morning. Also know, in some cases judges have ordered the other parent to discipline you if you refuse to go to visitation. So your custodial parent mey do that, even if they agree with your decision. Again, your job in this struggle is to pretend like your custodial parent is angry with you. Write an email to your non custodial parent explaining that your mother has grounded you. Update your status that she took away your PS3. Remember in court, it's not what any one knows, it's what they can prove. Make it easier to prove that your custodial parent tried to make you go to visitation. Make it easy to prove that you are punished wen you don't go. It doesn't matter whether it's the truth or not. Family courts don't care about the truth. And they don''t care about you. Then again, if your reading this blog, you already know that.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Can You Trust the Police to Help You?
The issue regarding whether to trust law enforcement is a difficult one for me personally. I have family members who are police officers and I trust them and the way they conduct themselves at work. However, I have also had encounters in which police have been less than helpful and times they have been down right cruel. It is difficult as a child stuck in a bitter custody fight to figure out whether the police are friends or foes.
First off the police are PISSED that they have been called into your situation. Likely they have been called because you are refusing to go along with the visitation schedule. In their minds, you are the problem and if you would just get with the program, they can get back to doing "real police work" But if they think that your the asshole, then embrace your role. Be the asshole. The longer you dig in your heels and refuse to go, the more likely they will give up.
However, it is important that you treat the cops with respect, even when you are refusing to go along with what they want from you. Don't give them an excuse to escalate the situation. Because they are looking for any excuse to paint you as the bad guy, and them as the conquering hero. They will lie to you, attempt to intimidate you, and they may even arrest you and tell you they won't let you go until you agree togo with the non custodial parent. Let them blow all the hot air they want, let them get mad. Be polite but firm. Tell them that you are not going.
Realize that the more you refuse to do what the police officer says, the more angry and threatening they may get. For this reason, all encounters with the police should be videotaped. Something that the police are trying to prevent by making it illegal to videotape them at all in certain states. This is a worrisome issue. However, it is well worth the possibility of facing an illegal wiretaping charge then do be stuck defenseless when an encounter with the police goes bad.
Observe:
So here is an officer threatening, intimidating and assaulting a teenager; just because he can. Witout tis videotape, no one would have ever believed him. This tape reinforces several key points. One, don't disrespect the officer. Apparently they really hate being called "Dude". Two, they can and will do what they want with you. Three, without videoape evidence, you will be in no position to defend yourself against a rouge police officer such as this.
When you decide you ave had enough of the family courts and current custody situation, things will likely escalate. If you ever need help because your non-custodial parent is threatening you or even abusing you: imagine that it will be Officer Rivieri that will show up and not Officer Friendly. If your father is a jerk, an encounter with an officer like this will only make him more likely to continue his behavior because he realizes that the police won't do anything to him. That is yet another reason why you have to fight for yourself. When you were a kid your parents taught you all about right and wrong, the good guys and the bad guys, black and white. The truth is, it is all a grey area and life isn't fair. Take care of yourself and don't expect anyone to do it for you. You can ask the police for help, but don't expect it.
First off the police are PISSED that they have been called into your situation. Likely they have been called because you are refusing to go along with the visitation schedule. In their minds, you are the problem and if you would just get with the program, they can get back to doing "real police work" But if they think that your the asshole, then embrace your role. Be the asshole. The longer you dig in your heels and refuse to go, the more likely they will give up.
However, it is important that you treat the cops with respect, even when you are refusing to go along with what they want from you. Don't give them an excuse to escalate the situation. Because they are looking for any excuse to paint you as the bad guy, and them as the conquering hero. They will lie to you, attempt to intimidate you, and they may even arrest you and tell you they won't let you go until you agree togo with the non custodial parent. Let them blow all the hot air they want, let them get mad. Be polite but firm. Tell them that you are not going.
Realize that the more you refuse to do what the police officer says, the more angry and threatening they may get. For this reason, all encounters with the police should be videotaped. Something that the police are trying to prevent by making it illegal to videotape them at all in certain states. This is a worrisome issue. However, it is well worth the possibility of facing an illegal wiretaping charge then do be stuck defenseless when an encounter with the police goes bad.
Observe:
So here is an officer threatening, intimidating and assaulting a teenager; just because he can. Witout tis videotape, no one would have ever believed him. This tape reinforces several key points. One, don't disrespect the officer. Apparently they really hate being called "Dude". Two, they can and will do what they want with you. Three, without videoape evidence, you will be in no position to defend yourself against a rouge police officer such as this.
When you decide you ave had enough of the family courts and current custody situation, things will likely escalate. If you ever need help because your non-custodial parent is threatening you or even abusing you: imagine that it will be Officer Rivieri that will show up and not Officer Friendly. If your father is a jerk, an encounter with an officer like this will only make him more likely to continue his behavior because he realizes that the police won't do anything to him. That is yet another reason why you have to fight for yourself. When you were a kid your parents taught you all about right and wrong, the good guys and the bad guys, black and white. The truth is, it is all a grey area and life isn't fair. Take care of yourself and don't expect anyone to do it for you. You can ask the police for help, but don't expect it.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Can I Get Thrown in Jail for Refusing Visitation? Yes you Can.
Teenager incarcerated for refusing to visit his father
A 14-year-old boy was thrown into the county youth home overnight and handcuffed for about four hours after refusing to follow a judge's order to visit his father, as part of an ongoing custody case.
The boy, Jacob Mastrogiovanni of Warren, was ordered Thursday to spend three days in the youth home by family court Judge John Foster, who lifted the sentenced Friday following protests by his mother and a night of incarceration for her son.
The uncommon occurrence of a contempt of
court sentence for a child in a child custody dispute angered his mother, Dawn Platevoet, and several of her relatives, including the boy's grandmother. They picketed in front of the county courthouse in downtown Mount Clemens on Thursday and Friday, garnering media attention.
"A judge shouldn't throw an all-A student in jail for refusing to visit his father," Platevoet said. "There are other ways to handle the situation, and apparently the judge agreed because he let him out."
Jacob was slated to remain in the Juvenile Justice Center until 7 p.m. Sunday but was released by Foster about 12:30 p.m. Friday. Foster had Jacob brought from the youth home in handcuffs about 8:30 a.m. Friday to appear in front of him in Macomb County Circuit Court later that morning. Jacob waited in a holding cell.
Moments after he was released Friday, Jacob said Foster didn't specify why he freed him.
"He said that I don't decide whether I see my dad or not," Jacob said. "It was kind of like a warning, this time, I guess."
Foster's secretary said the judge did not want to comment.
Jacob and Platevoet wouldn't delve into many details of why he won't visit his father, Victor Mastrogiovanni of Chesterfield Township. She said Jacob began resisting in July following an unspecified incident.
They said when Jacob has visited Mastrogiovanni recently that he is forced to stay in his room without any contact.
On Foster's order, the three have been attending weekly counseling sessions since early September. But they and the therapist have been unable to resolve the disagreement.
Platevoet and Mastrogiovanni never married and have had some disputes for years regarding custody and support issues, they said.
Mastrogiovanni, who has been married for two years and has a 15-month-old child, said he did not want to comment specifically about the dispute.
"I love my kid very much and want what's best for him," he said.
Platevoet said she would like her son to visit his dad but can't force him.
"What am I supposed to do? Grab him by the back of the head and put him in the car?" she said. "He's a teenager and wants to do teenager things."
She said Jacob "listens to me" about other things but not about the visits.
Platevoet's attorney, James Simasko, said he sympathizes with his client but didn't advise her to contact the media.
"The media is not the proper place for the parties to air their differences," he said.
Platevoet defended her public protest, saying she didn't want to air grievances but simply wanted her son released.
"The only reason I went to the media was to get him out of jail for what the judge did," she said. "He's my kid. I'm going to say something about it."
She said the county Friend of the Court also recommended the judge put him in jail.
"The Friend of the Court and judge are not looking out for the best interest of the child," Platevoet said. "They put him in jail with criminals."
FOC Director Lynn Davidson said she could not comment on the case. She said a child's wishes is one of 13 "best interests of the child" factors a judge considers in making custody decisions. Simasko said judges typically accept more input from a child as he or she grows older and matures.
Youth home Director Chuck Siedelman said his facility has handled minors for contempt of court in the past, but said he and his staff don't review the details.
"It's not our responsibility to know what took place; we hold them and house them," he said.
In the juvenile center off Dunham Road near Rose on the outskirts of Mount Clemens, Jacob was kept alone in a cell and slept on a mat, he said.
He had no complaints other than the handcuffs.
"They hurt," he said, showing lumps on his wrists from the metal tightened around them.
"The people were nice, but it's a bad place," he said.
His mother said Jacob, a ninth-grader at East Detroit High School, "is a good kid" who is on the honor roll and was voted "class leader" and scored No. 1 on a recent grade-wide exam. He plays baseball, wrestles and participates in other school activities.
His dad has coached him in baseball for several years.
Jacob said despite disliking his stay in the youth home, he vowed he will not comply with the visitation order.
"As terrible as a place as that is, I'd rather be there than" visit his father, he said.
The judge set a hearing on the matter for Monday morning.
In case you were wondering if you can be sent to jail for refusing to see your non-custodial parent, the answer is yes. A judge can do what he wants with you when you are involved in family court until you turn 18 years old.. He or she can make your life a living hell, and it is important to understand this going into a custody fight. You have the right to fight back, but there will be consequences.
In this case this kid had a decent relationship with his father early in his childhood as his dad coached him in baseball. But at some point this kid decided, "I'm done with this visitation bullshit" and then his great dad turned into a dick. This kid had gone over there and spent the entirety of the visit in his room. He didn't like it, he didn't want to go any more. But did his dad listen, NO. Did his dad care, NO. And now the relationship has been damaged to such a degree, that it will never be repaired.
The question becomes, what is this kid supposed to do. Should he get in a physical altercation with his father? Should he destroy the property at his father's house? Should he act violently? By giving this kid a record and time in jail, hasn't the judge forced this child to fight back in a way that is ultimately more damaging and more dangerous for all involved.
I'm curious as to what happened to this kid. If anyone knows please let me know, and as always, your own stories are important to me. So send them in.
The boy, Jacob Mastrogiovanni of Warren, was ordered Thursday to spend three days in the youth home by family court Judge John Foster, who lifted the sentenced Friday following protests by his mother and a night of incarceration for her son.
The uncommon occurrence of a contempt of
court sentence for a child in a child custody dispute angered his mother, Dawn Platevoet, and several of her relatives, including the boy's grandmother. They picketed in front of the county courthouse in downtown Mount Clemens on Thursday and Friday, garnering media attention.
"A judge shouldn't throw an all-A student in jail for refusing to visit his father," Platevoet said. "There are other ways to handle the situation, and apparently the judge agreed because he let him out."
Jacob was slated to remain in the Juvenile Justice Center until 7 p.m. Sunday but was released by Foster about 12:30 p.m. Friday. Foster had Jacob brought from the youth home in handcuffs about 8:30 a.m. Friday to appear in front of him in Macomb County Circuit Court later that morning. Jacob waited in a holding cell.
Moments after he was released Friday, Jacob said Foster didn't specify why he freed him.
"He said that I don't decide whether I see my dad or not," Jacob said. "It was kind of like a warning, this time, I guess."
Foster's secretary said the judge did not want to comment.
Jacob and Platevoet wouldn't delve into many details of why he won't visit his father, Victor Mastrogiovanni of Chesterfield Township. She said Jacob began resisting in July following an unspecified incident.
They said when Jacob has visited Mastrogiovanni recently that he is forced to stay in his room without any contact.
On Foster's order, the three have been attending weekly counseling sessions since early September. But they and the therapist have been unable to resolve the disagreement.
Platevoet and Mastrogiovanni never married and have had some disputes for years regarding custody and support issues, they said.
Mastrogiovanni, who has been married for two years and has a 15-month-old child, said he did not want to comment specifically about the dispute.
"I love my kid very much and want what's best for him," he said.
Platevoet said she would like her son to visit his dad but can't force him.
"What am I supposed to do? Grab him by the back of the head and put him in the car?" she said. "He's a teenager and wants to do teenager things."
She said Jacob "listens to me" about other things but not about the visits.
Platevoet's attorney, James Simasko, said he sympathizes with his client but didn't advise her to contact the media.
"The media is not the proper place for the parties to air their differences," he said.
Platevoet defended her public protest, saying she didn't want to air grievances but simply wanted her son released.
"The only reason I went to the media was to get him out of jail for what the judge did," she said. "He's my kid. I'm going to say something about it."
She said the county Friend of the Court also recommended the judge put him in jail.
"The Friend of the Court and judge are not looking out for the best interest of the child," Platevoet said. "They put him in jail with criminals."
FOC Director Lynn Davidson said she could not comment on the case. She said a child's wishes is one of 13 "best interests of the child" factors a judge considers in making custody decisions. Simasko said judges typically accept more input from a child as he or she grows older and matures.
Youth home Director Chuck Siedelman said his facility has handled minors for contempt of court in the past, but said he and his staff don't review the details.
"It's not our responsibility to know what took place; we hold them and house them," he said.
In the juvenile center off Dunham Road near Rose on the outskirts of Mount Clemens, Jacob was kept alone in a cell and slept on a mat, he said.
He had no complaints other than the handcuffs.
"They hurt," he said, showing lumps on his wrists from the metal tightened around them.
"The people were nice, but it's a bad place," he said.
His mother said Jacob, a ninth-grader at East Detroit High School, "is a good kid" who is on the honor roll and was voted "class leader" and scored No. 1 on a recent grade-wide exam. He plays baseball, wrestles and participates in other school activities.
His dad has coached him in baseball for several years.
Jacob said despite disliking his stay in the youth home, he vowed he will not comply with the visitation order.
"As terrible as a place as that is, I'd rather be there than" visit his father, he said.
The judge set a hearing on the matter for Monday morning.
In case you were wondering if you can be sent to jail for refusing to see your non-custodial parent, the answer is yes. A judge can do what he wants with you when you are involved in family court until you turn 18 years old.. He or she can make your life a living hell, and it is important to understand this going into a custody fight. You have the right to fight back, but there will be consequences.
In this case this kid had a decent relationship with his father early in his childhood as his dad coached him in baseball. But at some point this kid decided, "I'm done with this visitation bullshit" and then his great dad turned into a dick. This kid had gone over there and spent the entirety of the visit in his room. He didn't like it, he didn't want to go any more. But did his dad listen, NO. Did his dad care, NO. And now the relationship has been damaged to such a degree, that it will never be repaired.
The question becomes, what is this kid supposed to do. Should he get in a physical altercation with his father? Should he destroy the property at his father's house? Should he act violently? By giving this kid a record and time in jail, hasn't the judge forced this child to fight back in a way that is ultimately more damaging and more dangerous for all involved.
I'm curious as to what happened to this kid. If anyone knows please let me know, and as always, your own stories are important to me. So send them in.
More Insanity By The Courts
Mother chooses jail over visitation
Updated: Saturday, 02 Apr 2011, 2:21 PM EDT
Published : Saturday, 02 Apr 2011, 2:21 PM EDT
Published : Saturday, 02 Apr 2011, 2:21 PM EDT
AUBURN, Ind. (WANE) - The following has been provided by the News Sun :
An Angola mother is spending this weekend in the DeKalb County Jail for refusing to comply with a court order to take her 8-year-old daughter to see the girl’s father in prison.
Last month, DeKalb Circuit Judge Kirk Carpenter found Jenny Collins-Thompson in contempt of a parenting-time order that grants the child’s father, Pedro Moreno, visiting time with the child once a year for up to two hours at the Indiana Department of Correction.An Angola mother is spending this weekend in the DeKalb County Jail for refusing to comply with a court order to take her 8-year-old daughter to see the girl’s father in prison.
Moreno was sentenced to 20 years in prison for robbery by a Steuben County court in 2004 and is serving his time at Westville Correctional Facility, Thompson said.
Thompson said a decree of paternity that adjudged Moreno to be the girl’s natural biological father was issued in June 2006.
“Welfare wanted me to name the father to go after her birthing expenses,” Thompson explained. “I ended up having to name him.”
Thompson said up until that point, Moreno had made no contact with her, despite knowing she had given birth to the child.
Thompson said she had not wanted Moreno to be a part of her daughter’s life, because of his criminal history and the choices he had made.
“I knew he had gone to prison. I knew what he did. I thought, as her mother, it would be better to just not have him involved,” Thompson said. “Almost right after he accepted paternity, he filed for visitation and parental rights.”
Those rights were granted in June 2007, and when Thompson failed to take her daughter to visit Moreno in prison, Moreno asked the court to hold her in contempt.
Cases and court hearings involving paternity and parental matters are not open to the public. However, Thompson chose to share copies of her court documents with this newspaper.
According to a motion filed by Moreno from Westville on Oct. 10, 2008, DeKalb County Judge (pro tem) Thompson Smith issued a court order June 29, 2007, granting Moreno visiting parenting time with the child once a year for up to two hours at the Indiana Department of Correction.
Moreno said the order instructed Thompson to take her child to the Department of Correction. It said Moreno would be responsible for arranging the visit and notifying Thompson of the arrangements.
Moreno’s motion said the order stated that visitation should take place between June 1 and Aug. 15, and that Thompson should encourage the child to send letters, drawings and pictures to Moreno. The order also allowed Moreno to send letters, cards and appropriate gifts to the girl, Moreno said.
In his motion, Moreno said Thompson had not tried to bring her daughter to visit him, even though Moreno had notified Thompson when she could visit. Moreno said Thompson also had not encouraged the child to send letters or drawings.
Thompson said transporting her daughter to Westville posed a problem financially, because she worked part-time and earned minimum wage.
“Ms. Jenny Thompson has recklessly disregarded the court order for two years now,” Moreno wrote. “If the courts (sic) does not act, then she will keep on disregarding the court order. Mr Moreno will remind the courts how important this court order is, how much he loves his daughter and how much she means to him.”
At a hearing in December 2008, Thompson was found to be in contempt of the order, but was told the charges would be relieved if she took her daughter to see Moreno, she said.
Moreno sent another letter to the court in February 2009, saying about his daughter, “I would like to get to know her before it’s too late. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made. I’d like to be a part of her life.”
Still, Thompson said, she did not take her daughter to see Moreno.
On Feb. 11, 2010, the court entered an order of contempt enforcement and required Thompson to report to the DeKalb County Jail by Feb. 22, 2010, to begin serving a 180-day sentence.
Thompson hired Sara Seibert of Angola as her attorney. Seibert asked the court to stay the order requiring Thompson to report to jail, allowing time to review the case record.
Carpenter denied the request and, to avoid going to jail, Thompson said she had planned to take her daughter to Westville to visit Moreno. However, those plans were sidelined when it was discovered that Moreno was not registered to have visitors.
Seibert again filed a motion asking the court to withhold its Feb. 11, 2010 ruling. That motion was granted. But since that time, Moreno has registered to receive visitors, Thompson said.
Thompson said her attorney then filed a motion to transfer the case to Steuben County. At the time, she lived in Fremont and did not have reliable transportation to court hearings in DeKalb County, she said.
Carpenter denied the motion May 6, 2010, saying “… the court finds that to have the cause remain in this court is not a manifest inconvenience to the parties.”
In October, Thompson filed petitions to vacate the contempt order and deny Moreno’s parenting time. But Thompson said attorney fees became too costly
for her, and Seibert withdrew from the case Jan. 20.
Thompson appeared without legal counsel at a March 9 hearing on her petition to vacate the contempt order and deny parenting time. In a ruling filed March 11, Carpenter said Thompson had not presented evidence to show that Moreno should not have the right to parenting time.
Carpenter also found that Thompson had not presented evidence to justify her intentional disregard of the court’s prior parenting-time orders.
“In order to enforce the prior parenting-time orders of this court, the court orders that the mother serve an executed jail sentence in incarceration of four days,” Carpenter ruled. With credit for good behavior, Thompson can serve the sentence in two days. She was scheduled to report to jail at 3 p.m. Friday.
Carpenter said Thompson also must follow the parenting-time order issued in June 2007 and that this year’s visit with Moreno must take place before June 1, with annual visits before June 1 of each subsequent year.
“If such visits do not occur, the court shall consider further enforcement orders,” Carpenter ruled.
Thompson said she is anxious and afraid about spending time in jail, but added, “If this is what I have to do to protect my daughter, then this is what I’m going to do.”
Thompson said she has allowed her daughter to send and receive letters and pictures to and from her father, but is opposed to her daughter visiting Moreno while he is in prison.
“Why can’t he just wait, come out (of prison) and stay out of jail?” Thompson said of Moreno. “Why do I want my daughter to bond with a man, if he can’t prove he can stay out of prison?
“If he can do all this stuff, then I have no problem with her bonding with him, but I want him to bond with her somewhere she feels comfortable, but not somewhere that is being forced upon her. I can understand parents who were there with their child having rights to see their child. But this is a man who wanted absolutely nothing to do with her and had made no contact with me until she was 4 years old.”
After serving her weekend in jail, Thompson said, she plans to appeal the denial of the motion to transfer her case. She also hopes to find assistance from legal aid or other outlets in seeking to vacate the visitation order and to take away Moreno’s parental rights.
Thompson appeared without legal counsel at a March 9 hearing on her petition to vacate the contempt order and deny parenting time. In a ruling filed March 11, Carpenter said Thompson had not presented evidence to show that Moreno should not have the right to parenting time.
Carpenter also found that Thompson had not presented evidence to justify her intentional disregard of the court’s prior parenting-time orders.
“In order to enforce the prior parenting-time orders of this court, the court orders that the mother serve an executed jail sentence in incarceration of four days,” Carpenter ruled. With credit for good behavior, Thompson can serve the sentence in two days. She was scheduled to report to jail at 3 p.m. Friday.
Carpenter said Thompson also must follow the parenting-time order issued in June 2007 and that this year’s visit with Moreno must take place before June 1, with annual visits before June 1 of each subsequent year.
“If such visits do not occur, the court shall consider further enforcement orders,” Carpenter ruled.
Thompson said she is anxious and afraid about spending time in jail, but added, “If this is what I have to do to protect my daughter, then this is what I’m going to do.”
Thompson said she has allowed her daughter to send and receive letters and pictures to and from her father, but is opposed to her daughter visiting Moreno while he is in prison.
“Why can’t he just wait, come out (of prison) and stay out of jail?” Thompson said of Moreno. “Why do I want my daughter to bond with a man, if he can’t prove he can stay out of prison?
“If he can do all this stuff, then I have no problem with her bonding with him, but I want him to bond with her somewhere she feels comfortable, but not somewhere that is being forced upon her. I can understand parents who were there with their child having rights to see their child. But this is a man who wanted absolutely nothing to do with her and had made no contact with me until she was 4 years old.”
After serving her weekend in jail, Thompson said, she plans to appeal the denial of the motion to transfer her case. She also hopes to find assistance from legal aid or other outlets in seeking to vacate the visitation order and to take away Moreno’s parental rights.
Just so that we are all clear about how the idiots in family court think. This is a mother who has taken care of this child by herself for the past 8 years. Because this child shares some DNA with this man, the childs life and that of her mother has to be uprooted in some insane belief that there is a parent child bond that can be established. Again, never forget that the people in family court ( judges, evaluators, attorneys, GALs) are not thinking normally. Never trust them. Never believe them. Because they think that this is the right thing.
The Evidence For Your Custody Decision
As you may have already realized, there is no scientific evidence that the custody decision that has been reached in your case is an appropriate one. Although you will often times hear or read that custody is determined "to be in the best interest of the child", what is in your best interest varies wildly from state to state and courtroom to courtroom. Judges are only people, they come with their own inherent biases and blindspots. Most judges believe that it is in your best interest to have an ongoing relationship with both of your parents, and in most cases they are correct. Studies show that children thrive under the love and caring of two responsible parents, whether those parents reside in the same house or not. The problem is that becomming a parent does not make some one automatically loving, caring or responsible. In cases in which a parent is not capable to form an a good parent child bond, either as the result of alcohol, drugs, or a controlling personality, there are no standard guidlines for custody.
This is particularly problematic in domestic violence cases, as the abuser ( overwhelmingly the father), utilizes the court system to continue to exert control over the mother and the children. For children caught in this tornado of lies and vindictiveness, there is often no calm until they reach the age that they can make their own decisions regarding custody. Until then they are marginalized by the court system and left vunerable by a mother who can not protect them. And the father's know it:
"Abusers understand that the best way to hurt mothers is to hurt their children. This is why so many abusive fathers who had little involvement with the children during the relationship suddenly seek custody when the mother seeks to leave her abuser. Court professionals often miss recognizing the fathers’ motivation because they have repeatedly heard that contested custody are high conflict cases when most are actually domestic violence cases. The worst part of this work is hearing about the unspeakable pain suffered by mothers and children when courts send children to live with dangerous abusers and take safe, protective mothers out of their children’s lives. It is extremely frustrating because these mistakes cause so much harm, but could be prevented if the courts would apply current scientific research.
If there was a scientific basis for these decisions, an evaluator could tell the court how his recommendations have worked out for the children in earlier cases. There is no such research and the closest we have are the Courageous Kids. These are young adults who have aged out of custody orders forcing them to live with abusive fathers and denying them a normal relationship with their mothers. These kids have a moral authority that none of the rest of us has because the decisions were supposed to be made for their benefit. The decisions gave control to the fathers who had tremendous power and resources to silence the children. This means the many Courageous Kids who have spoken out, often in great pain in order to help other children from suffering the same fate, represent a small percentage of spectacularly mistaken decisions. They describe tremendous pain and suffering during childhood and many problems that last into their adult lives. In many ways they are the lucky ones because other children in this situation commit suicide, destroy their lives with drugs and other harmful behaviors or otherwise never reach their potential."
The excerpt above speaks volumes to the need for children, like you, to speak out in whatever fashion possible to explain how these decisions have affected you. Currently there are small beams of light shinning through the darkness on YouTube, Saving Damon, and Courageous Kids Network, giving children caught in custody a voice. However, if there is any hope of the court system listening to you, the children, you first have to speak up and fight for yourself. There is no evidence of your pain, until you first give it a voice. Please feel free to send FUCCED any stories, information, drawings, or emails regarding how you feel about your custody situation.
This is particularly problematic in domestic violence cases, as the abuser ( overwhelmingly the father), utilizes the court system to continue to exert control over the mother and the children. For children caught in this tornado of lies and vindictiveness, there is often no calm until they reach the age that they can make their own decisions regarding custody. Until then they are marginalized by the court system and left vunerable by a mother who can not protect them. And the father's know it:
"Abusers understand that the best way to hurt mothers is to hurt their children. This is why so many abusive fathers who had little involvement with the children during the relationship suddenly seek custody when the mother seeks to leave her abuser. Court professionals often miss recognizing the fathers’ motivation because they have repeatedly heard that contested custody are high conflict cases when most are actually domestic violence cases. The worst part of this work is hearing about the unspeakable pain suffered by mothers and children when courts send children to live with dangerous abusers and take safe, protective mothers out of their children’s lives. It is extremely frustrating because these mistakes cause so much harm, but could be prevented if the courts would apply current scientific research.
If there was a scientific basis for these decisions, an evaluator could tell the court how his recommendations have worked out for the children in earlier cases. There is no such research and the closest we have are the Courageous Kids. These are young adults who have aged out of custody orders forcing them to live with abusive fathers and denying them a normal relationship with their mothers. These kids have a moral authority that none of the rest of us has because the decisions were supposed to be made for their benefit. The decisions gave control to the fathers who had tremendous power and resources to silence the children. This means the many Courageous Kids who have spoken out, often in great pain in order to help other children from suffering the same fate, represent a small percentage of spectacularly mistaken decisions. They describe tremendous pain and suffering during childhood and many problems that last into their adult lives. In many ways they are the lucky ones because other children in this situation commit suicide, destroy their lives with drugs and other harmful behaviors or otherwise never reach their potential."
The excerpt above speaks volumes to the need for children, like you, to speak out in whatever fashion possible to explain how these decisions have affected you. Currently there are small beams of light shinning through the darkness on YouTube, Saving Damon, and Courageous Kids Network, giving children caught in custody a voice. However, if there is any hope of the court system listening to you, the children, you first have to speak up and fight for yourself. There is no evidence of your pain, until you first give it a voice. Please feel free to send FUCCED any stories, information, drawings, or emails regarding how you feel about your custody situation.
Father's Relationship with Their Children vs. Father's Access to Them: What Matters More
by Herb Goldberg
A number of years ago, when I would pick up my daughter after school in the sixth grade, there
was a man I would see there who was faithfully and daily picking up his two children. He was
earnest, devoted and reliable and the personification of a caring father. He was a single dad who
had custody of children who hadn’t seen their mother in several years.
Toward the end of the school year, I noticed that he hadn’t been coming to pick up his children
for several weeks, so I inquired about him from a parent who was a friend of his. I was told that
their mother had recently come back to visit the kids and, after a weekend of being with her, the
children happy and excited, expressed a desire to move back with her to her home in Colorado.
The father was helpless in the face of his children’s pleading and urgency.
In another instance, a man had recently separated from his wife. During his marriage, this
successful businessman dad had structured his busy work life so that he could be available to his
children, They were his first priority, even though he had an engineering consulting business
with 11 employees and clients all over the country. As his children became young teenagers, he
began to work out of his home so that he could be there for their little league games, PTA
meetings and at home projects such as building an addition to his house. He bought a private
plane just so he could always return at will from business meetings in order to attend his
children’s games and school functions. So concerned was he about their education that he ran
for and won a position on the school board. Whenever any of his two children had a problem at
school, he was there to meet with their teacher, to defend them against any unfair action and to
straighten things out.
His relationship to his wife wasn’t good. She was often critical of his opinions about the
children and his parenting philosophy. She was withdrawn sexually from him for years because
of her many resentments. Consequently, when his youngest was 14 years old he began an affair
with a prominent local businesswoman and subsequently left his wife to be with her.
What he discovered was that all the years of being there for his children and making them a
priority had resulted in a “worse than nothing” relationship. Specifically, they didn’t want to be
with him. On the weekends and other times when they were in his custody they were hostile and
withdrawn, sitting silently and sullenly watching television at his apartment until it was time for
them to go back to their mother. Once they passed the age of 18, both of his children opted not
to see him at all.
While he could blame his wife for ‘poisoning’ the children’s minds and promoting the alienation,
it became clear that it had little to do with her. His children just didn’t like being around him.
While he had been the ‘perfect’ father in terms of his commitment, caring and devotion, he
couldn’t connect with them. In their minds he was a know-it-all who lectured them and always
knew the right way to do things. They disliked him and learned to tune him out.
A woman I knew who wanted a child began dating a married man who thought she was on birth
control. When he found out she was pregnant, he was enraged and withdrew from her
completely. The mother, an independent professional, decided not to pursue child support
because she didn’t want the angry father in her life. When I met and became friendly with her
and her seven-year-old daughter, I discovered that the daughter was constantly composing letters
of longing to the father who lived nearby but didn’t want to see her because he felt he’d been
used by the mother. Years later, when the father finally responded to the child’s letters and
messages, his child was overjoyed. Even though she had never seen her father, when she finally
met him she was excited happy and so appreciative.
One thing that struck me most clearly and powerfully during the period when Robert Bly was
prominent and father figure to the men’s movement, was the recurring theme in the lives of
many of the men who attended his workshops, of an absent or negative connection to their
fathers. Many hated the father they remembered as having been critical, abusive, alcoholic, selfcentred,
emotionally unavailable, controlling, angry and pretty much impossible to talk to.
Others just felt indifferent, as if they had no father at all.
Their feelings, which determined their memories of their father, were not that different from
what feminists had been saying that these men were like, The irony, however, was that in most
cases these were not absent fathers. These dads had been at home throughout. These were
fathers who, I’m sure, were convinced that they had been good parents, doing the ‘right thing’ as
they believed that to be. In the end these fathers, like my client and the Mr. Mom of my
daughter’s elementary school, were embittered and dumbfounded that after all they had done for
their children, their children could care less about them, and in many cases even hated them.
What seems clear from these examples is that the issue in fathering goes way beyond physical
access to the children and loving intentions. I have no doubt that most of the fathers who now
are rejected and even hated, loved their children. Ironically, those who were full time dads still
married to mother might actually have been appreciated more had they been at home less or gone
from home entirely. To the children, dad’s presence was toxic. A negative because of
related and how he was experienced. The more he was around the more he was disliked and
avoided. It didn’t matter what he thought that he was trying to do as a parent. What mattered
was how he came across to the children, how it felt to them to be with him.
How a father is experienced is usually something a dad can’t see, any more than most men can
see when they are being blatantly manipulated and used by women. Call it ego, cluelessness or
denial, fathers can’t see it, and children disguise their real feeling out of fear or cynical
indifference and disdain. What fathers aren’t aware of, however, is the real reason father-child
bonds dissolve, Were the bond there, no amount of physical separation could dissolve and
destroy the relationship.
How does all this relate to custody issues and battles? These power struggles over access to the
children are usually ludicrous and pathetic as two parents nit-pick over the exact amount of days
and times that they will spend with the children. The custody battles are misguided and
redirected control and revenge battles that have nothing to do with the children and their welfare,
nor will the outcome of these battles affect the deeper relationship between the children and each
parent, except for traumatizing and polarizing them. Particularly once, when the child is more
than three or four years old, the die has been cast. If the bond is positive and present, little will
disrupt it except temporarily. If the bond is absent or negative, the custody fight will exacerbate
it. The more dad battles mom for custody, the more the children will recoil from him, as they
perceive their mother as being abused. If he ‘ wins’, he will have won less than nothing as any
potential for positive bonding has been seriously damaged.
Looked at from another angle, in a relationship of love and attraction, whether romantic or a
friendship, think about those people in your life who you were drawn to and had a warm,
positive feeling toward, You may have only been with them little but their memory is large and
potent. Getting together is strongly anticipated. In between seeing each other, though they may
not be around in person, they exist powerfully in fantasy. If it’s a woman a man is attracted to,
weeks and months may go, but when she reappears it’s as if no time has elapsed. Likewise with a
beloved friend, years may pass without personal contact, yet the moment they are present it feels
exciting and enjoyable. Contrariwise, if a bond is not there or is negative, contact with the
person only strengthens the resistance and dislike.
I have seen men impale themselves emotionally and financially in misguided, destructive
custody battles. They are victims of a classic masculine blindspot, the belief that the relationship
to their children has to do with schedules, access and not letting mother ‘win’ or control the
children. They spend fortunes of time, money and emotion only to discover that the ‘victory,’ if
accomplished, was hollow.
When children are bonded to and love a parent, even if they see them rarely, they will be excited
and happy when they are with them. In between they will be anticipating, longing and thinking
about it. Contrariwise, I’ve seen men who gain joint or full custody in the courts, only to
discover that the weekends or times when they have it, their child doesn’t want to be with them
and is hostile, withdrawn and passive-aggressive. It becomes so painful and ‘impossible’ to be
together that eventually dad gives up and loses interest and desire. It’s not very enjoyable to be
with a child who makes it clear that he or she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be with you.
Or worse, to be with a child who sees it as punishment to be with dad.
Growth for fathers means to gain awareness of how it is for the child to be with them, rather than
fighting for their ‘right’ to parent. It is traditionally masculine to turn a relationship problem into
an issue of right and wrong, or a battle over rights. However, it is my belief that a protracted
custody battle, and the perception that the courts discriminate against men and prevent them
from being fathers, is largely delusional and a final nail in the relationship coffin of men.
If a child wants to be with his father, and the mother does block or prevent it, the outcome will
be that the child will resent the mother and make mother’s life hell until she gladly gives the
child over to dad. Contrariwise, if the child doesn’t want to be with dad, and no positive bond or
connection exists. Even if mom is supportive of the child’s relationship with him, the experience
will be negative.
There are many psychological reasons why an ugly custody battle, particularly one in which a
man believes that he is fighting the system and the poisonous influence of the mother over his
children, is counterproductive and damaging to a man’s expressed desire to parent his progeny.
The following are some of them:
1. By the end of a marriage, a woman’s rage over feeling she has been controlled and
abused is at a peak. She sees custody issues as the final battle ground and will
relentlessly fight to any extreme in order to win Attorneys feed on this adversarial tone
and see it as a way to make money as they stoke the rage. She will pull out all the stops,
and drain the father and the finances in this final stand to not let him get his way “this
time”.
2. In most families, children have a stronger emotional connection to their mother. In
painful custody battles, because the children are vulnerable and threatened, they will
bond even more strongly with her and will perceive what father is doing through other’s
eyes. Whereas a man may believe his children will appreciate how hard he is fighting
for the right to be with them, he is wrong, just as fathers have traditionally been wrong in
the belief that they will be loved for being good providers. What the child sees is that
dad is abusing mother and is a jerk.
3. If a man has a loving bond already in place with his child, he will be missed by the child
and a mother who blocks the child’s ability to be with him will find her life made hellish
by an angry and rebellious child.
4. A woman is energized by a custody battle with dad. It is her chance to ‘pay him back’
for years of feeling and believing that she has been diminished and abused. Without such
a battle to engage in, it is very likely that mom won’t even want that much responsibility
or time with the children. She’ll focus instead on her need for freedom, the opportunity
to enjoy herself and to act on what she believes are her long suppressed impulses and
need to find herself. By a man not fighting her, she may in fact try and push the children
onto their father so that she can be free to date, be with another man or pursue her new
found passions.
5. Even in the worst-case scenario, where a man is denied contact with his children
altogether, if a positive bond is in place, it will remain and grow in memory. His
influence will remain, as the child will do things to make dad proud in the future. Once
the child enters teenage or young adulthood, he or she will seek out the father and the
intervening years of no contact will dissolve.
6. Fighting custody battles only promotes a masculine nightmare of personal and
relationship disconnection. Relationships are not about control, power, winning or
losing. They are about emotional connection, empathy and bonding. A man’s energy
should go toward personal transformation to develop ways to maximize his connection to
his child and overcome his relationship shortcomings. To do that, he must first
acknowledge them and overcome his belief that he is a maligned but good and loving
father who doesn’t have dysfunction but is being abused and misunderstood.
7. As a working therapist for many years, I’ve never seen a man benefit from fighting these
battles. Even if he wins in court, he has won the battle and lost the struggle to focus on
and nurture his bonding potential.
8. No matter what a court decides. The children will ultimately decide custody and the
emotional nature of the parent-child relationship. If the child wants to be with father
more, or even full time, it’s only a matter of time before that will happen. No parent can
withstand the atmosphere of a hostile child who wants to be with an absent parent.
9. Relationships with one’s children are continually in flux and no court can nail that down.
Whatever it is today, it will be something different tomorrow. Court made agreements
are washed away each time the tide turns.
10. Finally, lawyers feed on and directly or indirectly promote the alienation and antipathy
between parents. Get out of their clutches. They are the only ‘winners’ in these custody
disputes and the financial price and emotional bitterness can be devastating.
how he This article is copywritten as part of Dr. Herb Goldberg’s upcoming book,
Time for Men: Surviving and Thriving in the Battle of the Sexes.
A Tough Love Dr. Herb Goldberg is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Los Angeles and a
Professor Emeritus at California State University. Los Angeles.
Ten Reasons for Men
Not to Fight Custody Battles
Sunday, July 17, 2011
A letter from your mother
“For those of us who can speak out, we know that if we put our voices together, we can make a difference and change the family court system that is wrecking so many kids’ lives. The Courageous Kids Network is an organization dedicated to stopping the continuing assault on children’s human right to live free from abuse.” — A Message From the Courageous Kids Network
I am writing to give my support and prayers to all the Courageous Kids as well as the mothers fighting alongside them. If you are a mother who has lost her child to an abuser and endured family court warfare, my heart goes out to you. If you are a child who has been victimized by family court, and forced into an unsafe situation or feel utterly unprotected by the system, my heart goes out to you. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.
For the lawyers, therapists, teachers, family members, clergy, friends and advocates–whoever you may be or whatever your role, I encourage you to take a moment to listen. The sounds of abuse may be as loud as broken glass, pounding fists or threatening phone calls–or as silent as unheard tears or homeless families wandering the streets or sanitized court records. I spent years of abuse in silence, trying to appease the rage of my abuser. I am now silenced by the family court; told not to talk about abuse, told I must forget because it all “happened in the past” and told I must look away as my children suffer. To raise my voice means I am causing a problem. Then begins a new battle, to overcome the enormous amount of “proof” required to “substantiate” my allegations and that of my children, to be verbally and emotionally attacked by vicious allegations and invented psychological labels, and finally to be threatened by the court staff that if I speak out they will deny me contact with my children. We can do better. We must do better. The change begins when the best interest of our children is really what is safe, healthy and nurturing for the child. I encourage you to take a stand to advocate for our children, and for the families fighting to secure safety and stability in the midst of family court chaos. You may just save a life. The change begins when we begin to listen to our children, listen to the stories of family court atrocities and the various research and writing conducted on custody battles. The change begins when we, as a society, as a people, will no longer tolerate domestic abuse nor the brutality perpetrated on children. The change begins with you.
I am a mother currently involved in family court warfare involving my children. My child is too young to speak as clearly as the kids posting on Courageous Kids but his pictures and words are loud enough. My child draws pictures in crayon of the abuse he has suffered. My child draws pictures of the words “daddy” taught him–stupid, fuckin ass, bitch. My child is drawing pictures of how he feels after being forced by family court to live with “daddy”–the pictures say the words “sad, “mad” and “bad”. The child in the picture has a frown that fills his entire face. In another picture, the child is standing in the middle of a rain storm and is being struck by lightning. My child has told me “I wanna die” and “I hate myself so much”. The guardian ad litem working with my family ignores my child’s distress and told me that I cannot “substantiate my allegations” and I have nothing to worry about because my abuser “has a house, a job and a car”. I was also told that since my abuser is not physically hurting me (I fled my home and now live in hiding) that there is no “abuse” happening. Meaning, I have to risk my own life in order to “prove” abuse. I would gladly put my life before my child’s; but if I did so my children would be left without a mother, and put into the hands of an abuser or perhaps, left to fend for themselves at the hands of child welfare services. I tell my story in hope that one day my children will know how much Mommy loves them, and that I did keep up the fight to protect them and give them a good home. I tell my story in hope that something can be done to protect another family-to give a voice to all those who have been silenced. And to encourage those brave fighters to keep on fighting for change, to keep on advocating, to keep on giving voice, to keep on living.
It is heart breaking as a parent to know that you cannot protect your children and you have to send them back to an abuser–or else. It is sad that children are being forced into abusive situations and instead of healing, they now have to fight for their lives–and the child has to be the one to fight for change because so many have failed to protect them. I applaud Courageous Kids, and sympathize with your struggle. I pray for you and your families. I applaud your determination and courage in speaking out, and working for change. I support you. I will do whatever I can to help. I hope and pray that there will be many more who will stand alongside you and lend their support and help. And I believe there are just as many who support you in silence, in tears–afraid or unable to speak.
I cannot end this letter, not in good conscience. There is no “the end” or “happily ever after” when the cycles of domestic violence continue in the family court system. I express sympathy to the plight of the families enduring family court warfare. Abusers must be held accountable–they are the most likely to become repeat offenders, risking the lives of innocent children. Family court officials judges, guardian ad litems, counselors. attorneys and all involved in making decisions that affect the life and well being of a child must also be held accountable. Especially when they place a child at risk. I am not asking for change–I am demanding it. As the old spiritual goes, “A change gon’ come, yes it will…”
Evanlee, 2008
Dear Evanlee,
Your letter has been copied so that it may reach the children who need so badly to hear it. Children who are wondering why their mother's can not help them. Why they have been set adrift to fight for themselves with out guidance from the people who matter most to them. You are correct when you speak about "family court warfare", for this is a war. It's a war for our children to be protected and to have a childhood. This is an inherent human right recognized the world over but systematically denied to children held hostage in family courts. But I want to assure you that the children you speak so lovingly of are also aware that this is a war. A war against them, and against their right's to love and by loved free from interference. The children at this site recognize that they are soldiers in this fight. Even though we have done so much to shield them from the battle, they know. Children are neither stupid nor helpless. We did not choose this war for them, but if war has come calling to their door, we are remiss if we do not ready them for battle. That is the purpose of this site. To teach them what the courts don't want them to know, to love them even when we have been told not to, and to fight alongside them in a battle they were never supposed to have been a party to. And we do these things so that when they battle is over, we can all sit together and celebrate their victory, as a family.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories
This is why your mom can't help you. This is the system they are fighting.
What Do I Need to Have for Fighting Visitation?
First off, fighting visitation can be a long war so be prepared. However, like the old proverb states: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Your custody order can state whatever it wants, it is your decision whether you plan to follow it or not. So what do you need to fight visitation.
1. You need Nerves of Steel
This is going to be a lengthy process. Your going to piss off both of your parents. Everyone will be mad at you and you may get in trouble. Take a deep breath. Accept that this will happen. Sometimes you just have to be an asshole. Embrace your role.
2. You Need a Safe Place to Keep Things
Your best friend will be very useful in this regard. See if you can keep private stuff at their house. If your school keeps track of whose lockers belong to which students, see if you can convince them to switch lockers with you. I say this because your parents can request to search your locker at anytime, and they can confiscate any of your things. But if no one knows which locker is truly yours, then you can use it to store important things. This is especially useful if you get picked up from school by your non-custodial parent.
3. You need Some Money.
No you should not be carrying cash with you. But if you can convince your family members to support you, see if they will give you a prepaid VISA card for around 200 bucks. They can pick it up at the grocery store, so it can never be traced back to them. A card is very easy to under the lining of your shoe when your stuck at visitation, and most Nazi non-custodial parents ( NCP) won't look there.
4. You need an Untraceable cell phone
Now you need to keep your old phone, and your NCP should see you use your regular phone. If you don't, they will get suspicious. This phone needs to be used in case of Emergency. Some NCP's will take your regular cell phone upon arrival to their house, but they won't find your hidden one. But you should never be without access to a phone, especially with a parent who drinks or is violent.
If you have the things here, you have already gotten yourself prepared to fight for yourself. Don't be a victim to the court system, or to your parents. You can be miserable and wait to cut off your parent until your 18 or you can do it now. Don't except the bullshit they are feeding you, get prepared to fight back.
1. You need Nerves of Steel
This is going to be a lengthy process. Your going to piss off both of your parents. Everyone will be mad at you and you may get in trouble. Take a deep breath. Accept that this will happen. Sometimes you just have to be an asshole. Embrace your role.
2. You Need a Safe Place to Keep Things
Your best friend will be very useful in this regard. See if you can keep private stuff at their house. If your school keeps track of whose lockers belong to which students, see if you can convince them to switch lockers with you. I say this because your parents can request to search your locker at anytime, and they can confiscate any of your things. But if no one knows which locker is truly yours, then you can use it to store important things. This is especially useful if you get picked up from school by your non-custodial parent.
3. You need Some Money.
No you should not be carrying cash with you. But if you can convince your family members to support you, see if they will give you a prepaid VISA card for around 200 bucks. They can pick it up at the grocery store, so it can never be traced back to them. A card is very easy to under the lining of your shoe when your stuck at visitation, and most Nazi non-custodial parents ( NCP) won't look there.
4. You need an Untraceable cell phone
Now you need to keep your old phone, and your NCP should see you use your regular phone. If you don't, they will get suspicious. This phone needs to be used in case of Emergency. Some NCP's will take your regular cell phone upon arrival to their house, but they won't find your hidden one. But you should never be without access to a phone, especially with a parent who drinks or is violent.
If you have the things here, you have already gotten yourself prepared to fight for yourself. Don't be a victim to the court system, or to your parents. You can be miserable and wait to cut off your parent until your 18 or you can do it now. Don't except the bullshit they are feeding you, get prepared to fight back.
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