“For those of us who can speak out, we know that if we put our voices together, we can make a difference and change the family court system that is wrecking so many kids’ lives. The Courageous Kids Network is an organization dedicated to stopping the continuing assault on children’s human right to live free from abuse.” — A Message From the Courageous Kids Network
I am writing to give my support and prayers to all the Courageous Kids as well as the mothers fighting alongside them. If you are a mother who has lost her child to an abuser and endured family court warfare, my heart goes out to you. If you are a child who has been victimized by family court, and forced into an unsafe situation or feel utterly unprotected by the system, my heart goes out to you. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.
For the lawyers, therapists, teachers, family members, clergy, friends and advocates–whoever you may be or whatever your role, I encourage you to take a moment to listen. The sounds of abuse may be as loud as broken glass, pounding fists or threatening phone calls–or as silent as unheard tears or homeless families wandering the streets or sanitized court records. I spent years of abuse in silence, trying to appease the rage of my abuser. I am now silenced by the family court; told not to talk about abuse, told I must forget because it all “happened in the past” and told I must look away as my children suffer. To raise my voice means I am causing a problem. Then begins a new battle, to overcome the enormous amount of “proof” required to “substantiate” my allegations and that of my children, to be verbally and emotionally attacked by vicious allegations and invented psychological labels, and finally to be threatened by the court staff that if I speak out they will deny me contact with my children. We can do better. We must do better. The change begins when the best interest of our children is really what is safe, healthy and nurturing for the child. I encourage you to take a stand to advocate for our children, and for the families fighting to secure safety and stability in the midst of family court chaos. You may just save a life. The change begins when we begin to listen to our children, listen to the stories of family court atrocities and the various research and writing conducted on custody battles. The change begins when we, as a society, as a people, will no longer tolerate domestic abuse nor the brutality perpetrated on children. The change begins with you.
I am a mother currently involved in family court warfare involving my children. My child is too young to speak as clearly as the kids posting on Courageous Kids but his pictures and words are loud enough. My child draws pictures in crayon of the abuse he has suffered. My child draws pictures of the words “daddy” taught him–stupid, fuckin ass, bitch. My child is drawing pictures of how he feels after being forced by family court to live with “daddy”–the pictures say the words “sad, “mad” and “bad”. The child in the picture has a frown that fills his entire face. In another picture, the child is standing in the middle of a rain storm and is being struck by lightning. My child has told me “I wanna die” and “I hate myself so much”. The guardian ad litem working with my family ignores my child’s distress and told me that I cannot “substantiate my allegations” and I have nothing to worry about because my abuser “has a house, a job and a car”. I was also told that since my abuser is not physically hurting me (I fled my home and now live in hiding) that there is no “abuse” happening. Meaning, I have to risk my own life in order to “prove” abuse. I would gladly put my life before my child’s; but if I did so my children would be left without a mother, and put into the hands of an abuser or perhaps, left to fend for themselves at the hands of child welfare services. I tell my story in hope that one day my children will know how much Mommy loves them, and that I did keep up the fight to protect them and give them a good home. I tell my story in hope that something can be done to protect another family-to give a voice to all those who have been silenced. And to encourage those brave fighters to keep on fighting for change, to keep on advocating, to keep on giving voice, to keep on living.
It is heart breaking as a parent to know that you cannot protect your children and you have to send them back to an abuser–or else. It is sad that children are being forced into abusive situations and instead of healing, they now have to fight for their lives–and the child has to be the one to fight for change because so many have failed to protect them. I applaud Courageous Kids, and sympathize with your struggle. I pray for you and your families. I applaud your determination and courage in speaking out, and working for change. I support you. I will do whatever I can to help. I hope and pray that there will be many more who will stand alongside you and lend their support and help. And I believe there are just as many who support you in silence, in tears–afraid or unable to speak.
I cannot end this letter, not in good conscience. There is no “the end” or “happily ever after” when the cycles of domestic violence continue in the family court system. I express sympathy to the plight of the families enduring family court warfare. Abusers must be held accountable–they are the most likely to become repeat offenders, risking the lives of innocent children. Family court officials judges, guardian ad litems, counselors. attorneys and all involved in making decisions that affect the life and well being of a child must also be held accountable. Especially when they place a child at risk. I am not asking for change–I am demanding it. As the old spiritual goes, “A change gon’ come, yes it will…”
Evanlee, 2008
Dear Evanlee,
Your letter has been copied so that it may reach the children who need so badly to hear it. Children who are wondering why their mother's can not help them. Why they have been set adrift to fight for themselves with out guidance from the people who matter most to them. You are correct when you speak about "family court warfare", for this is a war. It's a war for our children to be protected and to have a childhood. This is an inherent human right recognized the world over but systematically denied to children held hostage in family courts. But I want to assure you that the children you speak so lovingly of are also aware that this is a war. A war against them, and against their right's to love and by loved free from interference. The children at this site recognize that they are soldiers in this fight. Even though we have done so much to shield them from the battle, they know. Children are neither stupid nor helpless. We did not choose this war for them, but if war has come calling to their door, we are remiss if we do not ready them for battle. That is the purpose of this site. To teach them what the courts don't want them to know, to love them even when we have been told not to, and to fight alongside them in a battle they were never supposed to have been a party to. And we do these things so that when they battle is over, we can all sit together and celebrate their victory, as a family.
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