As you may have already realized, there is no scientific evidence that the custody decision that has been reached in your case is an appropriate one. Although you will often times hear or read that custody is determined "to be in the best interest of the child", what is in your best interest varies wildly from state to state and courtroom to courtroom. Judges are only people, they come with their own inherent biases and blindspots. Most judges believe that it is in your best interest to have an ongoing relationship with both of your parents, and in most cases they are correct. Studies show that children thrive under the love and caring of two responsible parents, whether those parents reside in the same house or not. The problem is that becomming a parent does not make some one automatically loving, caring or responsible. In cases in which a parent is not capable to form an a good parent child bond, either as the result of alcohol, drugs, or a controlling personality, there are no standard guidlines for custody.
This is particularly problematic in domestic violence cases, as the abuser ( overwhelmingly the father), utilizes the court system to continue to exert control over the mother and the children. For children caught in this tornado of lies and vindictiveness, there is often no calm until they reach the age that they can make their own decisions regarding custody. Until then they are marginalized by the court system and left vunerable by a mother who can not protect them. And the father's know it:
"Abusers understand that the best way to hurt mothers is to hurt their children. This is why so many abusive fathers who had little involvement with the children during the relationship suddenly seek custody when the mother seeks to leave her abuser. Court professionals often miss recognizing the fathers’ motivation because they have repeatedly heard that contested custody are high conflict cases when most are actually domestic violence cases. The worst part of this work is hearing about the unspeakable pain suffered by mothers and children when courts send children to live with dangerous abusers and take safe, protective mothers out of their children’s lives. It is extremely frustrating because these mistakes cause so much harm, but could be prevented if the courts would apply current scientific research.
If there was a scientific basis for these decisions, an evaluator could tell the court how his recommendations have worked out for the children in earlier cases. There is no such research and the closest we have are the Courageous Kids. These are young adults who have aged out of custody orders forcing them to live with abusive fathers and denying them a normal relationship with their mothers. These kids have a moral authority that none of the rest of us has because the decisions were supposed to be made for their benefit. The decisions gave control to the fathers who had tremendous power and resources to silence the children. This means the many Courageous Kids who have spoken out, often in great pain in order to help other children from suffering the same fate, represent a small percentage of spectacularly mistaken decisions. They describe tremendous pain and suffering during childhood and many problems that last into their adult lives. In many ways they are the lucky ones because other children in this situation commit suicide, destroy their lives with drugs and other harmful behaviors or otherwise never reach their potential."
The excerpt above speaks volumes to the need for children, like you, to speak out in whatever fashion possible to explain how these decisions have affected you. Currently there are small beams of light shinning through the darkness on YouTube, Saving Damon, and Courageous Kids Network, giving children caught in custody a voice. However, if there is any hope of the court system listening to you, the children, you first have to speak up and fight for yourself. There is no evidence of your pain, until you first give it a voice. Please feel free to send FUCCED any stories, information, drawings, or emails regarding how you feel about your custody situation.
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