Child actively refusing visitation

So in this video we have a child who is actively refusing to go with her father. There are several things that are being done correct her. First, the visitation is occurring at a public place, in this case a police station. This ensures that there will be an audience and that father can not say that the child was not present at visitation. Next, notice that the mother does not interact initially with the father. She tries to remain a neutral party and is only videotaping for her own protection. Unfortunately at the end she does begin to engage with the other party. Also note that the child herself is refusing the visitation. She refuses to let the father touch her and is clear that she will not be leaving with the father. She clearly articulates why she will not go with the father.

For all those who are wondering whether the police will assist the father, note that the police intervened to prevent the child from yelling. They did not arrest the child. They did not assist the father. They did not force her to go. In fact their intervention actually made the father back off his harassment of her. The police have no interest in getting involved in a bitter custody battle, even if it is occurring on their doorstep.

There are however things that could be done differently, and will make the case stronger if the father persists in forcing the issue. The child should try to remain positive but firm. Choose one statement to say over and over again. In her case, she should say " I will not leave with you because you have a history of abusing me and I am afraid". That is it and say no more. By engaging with him she is furthering his pursuit of her. In addition, anything she says regarding the incident could be used against her in a future custody evaluation. By remaining polite but firm, the father can not paint her as being immature or disrespectful.

The mother can also help the situation but not engaging whatsoever with whomever is with the father. She does not defend, she does not engage. The mother and the child should consider whether it would be beneficial for the mother to wait in the car. The can discuss it before hand. This may be helpful because then the father can not accuse the mother of assisting the child in visitation refusal. Remember, in cases such as these the litigants are likely to be in front of a judge again. The judge is the audience here, it is not about getting back at the dad. His only power is to go back to court and the judge needs to see an independent polite child who clearly has a reason to refuse visitation and who is firm in her resolve.

Can You Trust the Police to Help You?

The issue regarding whether to trust law enforcement is a difficult one for me personally. I have family members who are police officers and I trust them and the way they conduct themselves at work. However, I have also had encounters in which police have been less than helpful and times they have been down right cruel. It is difficult as a child stuck in a bitter custody fight to figure out whether the police are friends or foes.

First off the police are PISSED that they have been called into your situation. Likely they have been called because you are refusing to go along with the visitation schedule. In their minds, you are the problem and if you would just get with the program, they can get back to doing "real police work" But if they think that your the asshole, then embrace your role. Be the asshole. The longer you dig in your heels and refuse to go, the more likely they will give up.

However, it is important that you treat the cops with respect, even when you are refusing to go along with what they want from you. Don't give them an excuse to escalate the situation. Because they are looking for any excuse to paint you as the bad guy, and them as the conquering hero. They will lie to you, attempt to intimidate you, and they may even arrest you and tell you they won't let you go until you agree togo with the non custodial parent. Let them blow all the hot air they want, let them get mad. Be polite but firm. Tell them that you are not going.

Realize that the more you refuse to do what the police officer says, the more angry and threatening they may get. For this reason, all encounters with the police should be videotaped. Something that the police are trying to prevent by making it illegal to videotape them at all in certain states. This is a worrisome issue. However, it is well worth the possibility of facing an illegal wiretaping charge then do be stuck defenseless when an encounter with the police goes bad.
Observe:





So here is an officer threatening, intimidating and assaulting a teenager; just because he can. Witout tis videotape, no one would have ever believed him. This tape reinforces several key points. One, don't disrespect the officer. Apparently they really hate being called "Dude". Two, they can and will do what they want with you. Three, without videoape evidence, you will be in no position to defend yourself against a rouge police officer such as this.

When you decide you ave had enough of the family courts and current custody situation, things will likely escalate. If you ever need help because your non-custodial parent is threatening you or even abusing you: imagine that it will be Officer Rivieri that will show up and not Officer Friendly. If your father is a jerk, an encounter with an officer like this will only make him more likely to continue his behavior because he realizes that the police won't do anything to him. That is yet another reason why you have to fight for yourself. When you were a kid your parents taught you all about right and wrong, the good guys and the bad guys, black and white. The truth is,  it is all a grey area and life isn't fair. Take care of yourself and don't expect anyone to do it for you. You can ask the police for help, but don't expect it.

The Evidence For Your Custody Decision

As you may have already realized, there is no scientific evidence that the custody decision that has been reached in your case is an appropriate one. Although you will often times hear or read that custody is determined "to be in the best interest of the child", what is in your best interest varies wildly from state to state and courtroom to courtroom. Judges are only people, they come with their own inherent biases and blindspots. Most judges believe that it is in your best interest to have an ongoing relationship with both of your parents, and in most cases they are correct. Studies show that children thrive under the love and caring of two responsible parents, whether those parents reside in the same house or not. The problem is that becomming a parent does not make some one automatically loving, caring or responsible. In cases in which a parent is not capable to form an a good parent child bond, either as the result of alcohol, drugs, or a controlling personality, there are no standard guidlines for custody.

This is particularly problematic in domestic violence cases, as the abuser ( overwhelmingly the father), utilizes the court system to continue to exert control over the mother and the children. For children caught in this tornado of lies and vindictiveness, there is often no calm until they reach the age that they can make their own decisions regarding custody. Until then they are marginalized by the court system and left vunerable by a mother who can not protect them. And the father's know it:

"Abusers understand that the best way to hurt mothers is to hurt their children. This is why so many abusive fathers who had little involvement with the children during the relationship suddenly seek custody when the mother seeks to leave her abuser. Court professionals often miss recognizing the fathers’ motivation because they have repeatedly heard that contested custody are high conflict cases when most are actually domestic violence cases. The worst part of this work is hearing about the unspeakable pain suffered by mothers and children when courts send children to live with dangerous abusers and take safe, protective mothers out of their children’s lives. It is extremely frustrating because these mistakes cause so much harm, but could be prevented if the courts would apply current scientific research.

If there was a scientific basis for these decisions, an evaluator could tell the court how his recommendations have worked out for the children in earlier cases. There is no such research and the closest we have are the Courageous Kids. These are young adults who have aged out of custody orders forcing them to live with abusive fathers and denying them a normal relationship with their mothers. These kids have a moral authority that none of the rest of us has because the decisions were supposed to be made for their benefit. The decisions gave control to the fathers who had tremendous power and resources to silence the children. This means the many Courageous Kids who have spoken out, often in great pain in order to help other children from suffering the same fate, represent a small percentage of spectacularly mistaken decisions. They describe tremendous pain and suffering during childhood and many problems that last into their adult lives. In many ways they are the lucky ones because other children in this situation commit suicide, destroy their lives with drugs and other harmful behaviors or otherwise never reach their potential."

The excerpt above speaks volumes to the need for children, like you, to speak out in whatever fashion possible to explain how these decisions have affected you. Currently there are small beams of light shinning through the darkness on YouTube, Saving Damon, and Courageous Kids Network, giving children caught in custody a voice. However, if there is any hope of the court system listening to you, the children, you first have to speak up and fight for yourself. There is no evidence of your pain, until you first give it a voice. Please feel free to send FUCCED any stories, information, drawings, or emails regarding how you feel about your custody situation.